The Christian Dating Experiment

Busy Busy. . .

2009-09-07T16:17:00.002-05:00

(I just wrote an awesome post and the computer deleted it. My luck these days.)

So I think I took on too much this semester. I take senior classes, work 20 hours, am secretary for the film club, member of our honor soceity, writer of two articles for the newspaper and leader of the campus station. I need to drop something, but I don't know what. Everything will be good for the future. . .

Anyway, I gotta get back to homework.

PS- no boys this year. Too busy. maybe next summer.

2009-09-04T06:30:00.002-05:00

A big thing happened last night.

I went to a party- Olivet style.

Now this may seem routine for a college student, but being surrounded by people is not fun for me. I retreat. I am a wallflower.

I try to get over this, and be around people, but its not working. Everyone seemed to have such a good time, dancing, jumping, rapping. . . even crowd surfing. . . and the floor visibly shook! (The aptartment downstairs saw their ceiling moving. . .)
With all this fun, I clung to the wall hoping not to be noticed (but secretly wanting to be dancing as well.)

Years ago, I would have danced, not caring who was watching. but not now. I'm too self-consconsious and just feel awkward. (After 20 minutes I tried to leave but my friend persuade me to stay for another 15 minutes.)

35 minutes. . . that's all I could handle. . .

(I'm sad now. I wish I could have done better.)

Romantic Porn. . .

2009-08-31T07:37:00.002-05:00

I full heart-edly(?) believe that Twilight and other romance sagas are porn for women. They create unrealistic expectations that men (and women) can never live up to.

Perhaps this is too strong, and I don't like to broadcast these feelings among my peers because of the movie's popularity. Many of my friends don't see anything wrong with Twilight and other such romance things. I don't want to condemn them.

I didn't feel like watching Twilight. It held no appeal to me when it came out. At a dorm party last year, my RA put it on and all the girls watched it, including me. After seeing it, I felt awful- guilty, incomplete, desperate longing for a guy, unacceptable the way I am. I don't know if every girl feels this way, but I did. Since then, I have refused to watch anymore and fall into the hype.

It seems like I can't escape this. My former and current roommates are obsessed with it, I mean magnets and everything. I have to give a speech at the end of the semester, including the topic of veracity. After trying to think of everything else, I kept coming back to "The Lies of Romance" but I'm afraid if I deliver a speech on the evils of "romantic porn" I might offend a lot of girls, including my roommates.

I feel strongly on this "romantic porn" topic but I'm afraid to speak up.

Thoughts?

Belonging/Longing

2009-08-27T05:41:00.002-05:00

Well, classes and stuff are going to be hard, but I think the year will be okay. The most daunting fact is that I'm a second semester junior. This is my fourth year, so I think of it as my senior year. Technically I only have enough credits to be a junior.

I plan to study abroad next semester, so I won't get the senior semester. . . I'll miss out on Senior pictures, senior Ollies Follies, senior stuff. . .

What I'm trying to say is that I feel that I don't belong with the Juniors and I don't belong eith the Seniors.

I realize I'm more suspectable to this feeling because I'm single. Olivet is such a marriage place, that I feel lost and alone because I'm single. No college student should feel this way! I realize how "sillly" (i.e. stupid) it is to feel this way because I'm only 21! I hate feeling this way! But this is how Olivet trains you to think- that if you're alone, something must be wrong with you.

Countless activities, chapels, picnic, counselling, are aimed at marriage! These people are shoving marriage down your throat and YOU feel like the loser!

And nothing reinforces that like being a senior. The tradition is called, "ring before spring." I would venture to say that half of the senior class is married or engaged by graduation.

Maybe I should be glad that I'm not a senior! (Technically . . .)

2009-08-25T07:27:00.002-05:00

This isn't a dating experiment anymore, it's just a blog on my life. If dating and other "love" issues arise, so be it.

Let me give you a run down on the past 3 days:
-Roommates moved in. Not happy.
-Old friends came back. Happy.
-Other students are more successful than me. Jealous.
-I'm good where I am at. (Good job, good classes, good life.) Content.
-Burned myself with coffee this morning. Hurt.
-Constantly comparing myself with others. Insecure.
-and I think I just talked to Bryan's (an ex-interest) fiance. Mucho insecure.

And now that students are back on campus, I'm surrounded by couples. Yesterday my friends and I had a joking talk about the benefits of being married. (I can't get away from the subject. Not here and not at this age.) I just wish I was more secure about who I am.

Joy/Happiness

2009-08-18T09:21:00.003-05:00

I'm living by myself (without a T.V.) because my other 3 roommates haven't moved in yet. I also have a lot of free time. For the past 2 years I have been seeking joy, not happiness. (Joy is a permanent state of mind where as happiness is momentary.) Having all this extra time and nothing to do, I went back to my pursuit.

I discovered that after my vacation, when I began living alone, that I was so unhappy I was reverting back to seeeking happiness. I bought too many things, watched too many movies, anything to bring me that happiness. But like all happiness, it is only momentary.

I discovered this two days ago, and since then, I have rededicated myself to this pursuit of joy. I have started reading "Captivating" by Stasi Eldredge. The morning show just talked to Rob Bell this moning, so I want to start reading his stuff again. (I couldn't get past the first chapter of "Velvet Elvis." It isn't too radical, I just found it boring.)

And, of course, the Bible is always helpful. The morning after I started searching for joy again, Dana (from the morning show) brought joy up in the devotional. She quoted Nehamiah 8:10, "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." I don't think that it was a coincidence. . .

I'm Back!

2009-08-13T05:58:00.002-05:00

Sweet! I'm back! And I've got stories!

1. I can never spell "experiment" correctly, so it took me a few tries to get to the blog!

2. My sister's wedding on Sunday. I realized that I'm mostly secluded in life. I hardly talked to people and sat by my oldest sister for most of the reception. No dancing took place on my part, even though I really enjoy it.

3. At my sister's reception, my Aunt Mary said the nicest thing to me. She said, "We are so excited to see who you end up with. All your sisters have married such great guys, we are just excited for you."

4. An ex-interest called me after 2 years of not talking. We didn't date but I really liked him, and we talked almost everyday for a month or so. He ended it after saying, "I really like you, but there's another girl I like too." No way am I competing for a guy's affection! Anyway, he's engaged to that girl and was calling to apologize for "leading me on." Weird it was.

5. I have come up with a theory- the last two guys that had interest in me are now engaged (to the next girl they went out with.) I think I'm good luck. . .

Time off. . .

2009-07-29T12:46:00.001-05:00

I'm not to thrilled these days to talk (or write.) I'm going home for the next 2 weeks, so I won't be posting.

I know you'll miss this.

Ah. . .weddings. . .

2009-07-27T13:46:00.003-05:00

This summer has been full of weddings! A school friend got married. . . another friend that found her husband on the internet (a christian dating website!) got married. . .and now the best of them all- my sister's wedding!

Being her Maid of Honor, or moh, I'm planning her Bachelorette party, a wedding music surprise, and her wedding playlists. The sweet sounds of Journey and Michael Buble fill my thoughts!

I have a tentative list for the wedding reception playlist, but am constantly doubting my selections. Who dances at weddings? What do they dance to? Should I please the "dancing" group, a little bit for everyone, or my tastes? I realize this sounds selfish, but my tastes are really close to my sister's. . .

There are a few common mistakes that wedding DJs often do:
1 . Play too many of the same type (Electric slide, Cha-Cha Slide, Cupid Shuffle) all in a row
2. Play a lot of high energy/low energy songs together (Jump Jive and Wail followed by Beer Barrel Polka or a litany of slow songs one after another)
3. Play songs that you can sing to, but not dance to (The three other playlists should take care of this problem. . . Really? How do you dance to That's Amore?)

Okay. . enough rambling. . .

happiness. . . A question for the fam

2009-07-24T06:15:00.002-05:00

I saw this note on facebook from a previous dating interest to tune of "My life sucks." Boo Hoo. This is why this guy was a previous interest. Nobody wants to date a downer! (Or even be friends with one.)
These are my opinions, and why I work so hard to keep up the apperance of being happy all the time. (Sometimes I'm genuinely happy with my life!) Who would want to date me if I was unhappy all the time? That's no fun!

Is this feeling true? I guess that if two people are depressed together then they would be okay. .but who wants that?

My mom always told me that before you date you have to be happy with/love yourself before anyone else can. I am (mostly) happy with myself (I accept who I am now, so that's a start). There's things I would change, but yeah, I am fully happy with myself. . .

I don't think I'm pretending nearly as much these days. . .

Family, do you agree?

A moment of weakness

2009-07-21T08:01:00.002-05:00

So I have given up (for the most part) this dating blog. I am resigned to let dating find me at the right moment. I don't want to force a relationship for the sake of having one. (that's how you get into trouble.)

I am sure of this, but it does not make life easier. I am constantly told at work I am nice and I should have a bf by now. (and I constantly remind them that niceness has nothing to do with it.) It is hard to be reminded everyday of your alone-ness though. (I find solace in books, movies, and food though. . . )

August 9th is my sister's weedding and I don't have a date. My whole family is partnered and I am not, and a wedding can not remind me more of that fact, and that I don't even have a date makes it worse. I am alone in my own family. I love my family dearly but that doesn't make this any easier. I just want what they have.

And then I'm reminded of Robby (played by Adam Sandler) from the Wedding Singer. When his ex-fiance comes back that's what he says, "I don't want be alone anymore." And then he passes out and wakes up the next morning to realize his grave mistake.

Bad things always happen if you rush into a relationship for the sake of having one, but I know how Robby felt. Sometimes, in moments of weakness, I find myself saying, "I don't want to be alone anymore."

2009-07-13T13:35:00.002-05:00

It's been a long time! I just finished my rhetorical critism and I'm free for the remainder of the summer!
Now onto. . .nothing. Not much is happening here.

And I haven't been meeting a lot of people. I'm kinda at a stand still.

What can I do to meet people?

identifacation and dating

2009-07-09T06:35:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the distance and delay. I have been overwhelmed trying to finish my rhetorical critism on the Burkean theme of identification in Judd Apatow's works. Sounds fun huh?

Actually, it is! Not fun, but interesting. I know that this is not a class but let me give you the basic theme: persuasion can only happen if people identify with one another.

Is the same thing true for love? (I don't know since I've never been in love, obviously.) Can love only exist when we identify with the person?

I think of love as deeply caring about someone, and no two people could care more for each other than my parents, but they are extremely diffrerent in personality. I venture to say that no shared traits exist but they are extremely similar in their values. Hence, identification exists because they share something, and in this case, its their values.

I go back to that old saying "opposite attract" but it can also be said "that commonalty bonds us." We may look for someone who is opposite from us, it is only when that common ground exists can we love one another.

True?

He's Just Not That Into You

2009-07-01T05:41:00.002-05:00

I was thinking about this film this morning, and about a boy in particular. I saw the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You" on Valentine's Day. (Great day for that film!)

Though it had its funny moments and great actors (Justin Long to be specific!) the theme/morals were lost along the way.
With that said, it still contained a major message:
- If a guy likes you, he will let you know. (He will take the risk if he feels you're worth it.) If he doesn't, then he's not that interested. And that's okay! Move on!

That's what I have to keep remembering. There are a lot of eligible/cute guys out there! Don't pine after one if he's not interested!

I'm worth more more than that and so are you!

Eureka!

2009-06-29T22:21:00.003-05:00

It's an hour past my bed time and I just had an epiphany- dating is wanting to get to know someone better! That's it! Its not potential spouse testing or a way to pass the time. And i realized that I want to date just because I feel the pressure to be married, not dating! I like to get to know people and that's all that dating is (or is to me.) I shouldn't be scared to date then!

I feel like a light bulb just went off in my head!

All you need is love. . . or a ranting. . .

2009-06-25T12:17:00.003-05:00

Tid Bit of Trivia- Today is the day (in 1967) The Beatles came out with their glorious song, "All you need is love." Impress your friends with that!

I don't think it's true though. Humans definitely need your basic survival stuff, but they need more than love, like comfort, security, protection, etc. That stuff can be out of love, but it's not love itself. . .it is?

Anyway- you are probably wondering about my last poll question- can a guy change their drinking habits. When I wrote the question, I just went to my church carnival which has a beer garden. (I'm not Nazarene, but I find it highly disturbing that the most money in our carnival comes from drinking.) I was surrounded by tons of underage drinking and drunks.

How can our society be so messed up? Why do some people rely on alcohol for a good time? I'm not condemning an occasional drink or two, but the vast dependency on it is ridiculous. These are good people who are wasting their life on the "pleasures" of today.

More importantly, how can they find the right mate with all this mess happening? If alcohol impairs your judgement, then you can't make good descisions! If you can't make good descisions, then you're going to have trouble in the future! That's all I'm saying. . .

Just a little rant for today. . .

Quick Update

2009-06-23T12:22:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling much better! I thought a lot about perseverance yesterday, and those who know me, know that this is my strong suit. I may complain while doing it, but darn it, I do it!

Yeah, my class is tough, but it will soon be over and then I never have to think about again! It matters a lot right now, but it won't matter in the future. And you guessed it. . . that applies to dating!

yeah, a boyfriend would be great! And it matters a lot right now. . . but it won't matter years from now! Once I find the right person, it won't matter about the wrong ones!

Its partly the reason that I don't care about dating right now. I'll wait for the right one! My cousin who got engaged on Friday didn't have a steady boyfriend in college (and she went to OLIVET!) and that stunk for her! But it doesn't matter now, because she is with the right guy.

You see what I'm saying? You have to get through these stinking times because things will get better!

A Down Trodden Day

2009-06-22T12:29:00.002-05:00

This was an awful morning. I made a HUGE mistake at work and utterly failed my second test. I feel so miserable, which is worse than the anger I felt after the first. I feel hopeless and lonely.

I know it will only last the rest of day, but everything seems bad. I will never get a job, never make money, never graduate. . .etc. *Who wants to date a Debbie Downer like me? * (I'm laughing, because I know its not true. I feel like that a little though. . . in all honesty.)

On a lighter note-this was a good weekend for relationships! My friends got married in Kentucky on Saturday and I found out that my cousin got engaged on Friday.

That's pretty much it. I don't feel like writing much. Maybe tomorrow.

Yes. . .I'm a Communication Major

2009-06-18T11:32:00.003-05:00

Hello again. . . I'm sorry I haven't writen but I've been engrossed in my class: The Philosophy of Human Communication. And it's not as interesting as it sounds. . .

Each time period had its own way of communicating, what is referred to as rhetoric. The Greeks, Romans, Christians, and now we are at the Renaissance.

My sister told me that she finds out more about me from this blog than what I've told her. And its true. I don't tell people that much, just like my dad. (We are two peas in pod even though I look like my mom!)
All this got me thinking about the differences in men and women and how they communicate. In my class, we don't seperate it into men and women, but are there differences? I know of all those books, "The Five Love Languages," "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," Men are like Waffles and Women are like Spaghetti," but I haven't read them. Do they really cover the differences in communication?

Here's what I've gathered, but it might be wrong:
-Men don't hear much. They listen for the point and then tune out.
-Women talk things through- they don't necessarily mean all of it.
-Men think about what they are going to say before they say it. . . that's why they take so long.
-Women need affirmation, but men need it so much more. They need to know that they are good men/husbands/providers.

That's all I got so far. . . If you have more or disagree/agree with them, let me know!

The Date and possibly the end. . .

2009-06-15T12:02:00.002-05:00

So on Saturday, I went on my first real date. During the date (and after with the help of my sis, Beth) I realized two things:
1. I've been on "dates" before, but I was too strict in my definition
2. I'm expecting way too much

The whole date just seemed like we were hanging out. Was this all that dating is? Yessir! Since this is true, I have been on many dates!! (Most without the feelings part though!) I think that's why we have such a problem distinguishing between the two: dating has feelings, where as hanging out is just friends.

I am also expecting way too much. . .
"What? Were you expecting candlelight?" was Beth's question that made me realize my high expections. . . And my answer- Yes!
Before the date, Hitch was one TV and i watched the best part of it- the beginning where Hitch is explaining that every woman wants to be swept off her feet. That's me folks! I am a hopeless romantic who wants to be swept off her feet, and I'm only 21! No guy at my age will sweep me off my feet on the first date!

There was definitely potential in this guy but I was too stubborn. He was kind and even brought me flowers (blue daisies) but I just had the wrong mindset. I had already doomed this date before it started, against the advice of my family and friends.

I'm all talk folks! I say I want a relationship I'm too scared to let it happen. This brings me to my final point- the end of the experiment. I am not going to do any more "experiments" because I'm not mentally ready. From now on, this is more of observations!

Under Pressure- original by queen and bowie, not cover. . .

2009-06-12T11:16:00.003-05:00

So this guy who I'm going on a date with Saturday wrote his version of what dating is.

His writing:
Dating. (sorry, i just like the dramatics of one word sentences that have many different things that define it, good and bad). Let's start with an obvious statement: dating isn't what it used to be. Yes, I’ve been on dates. I’ve also had several girlfriends (and no, not at the same time). I, however, have only ever taken one of those several out on what I would consider a real date. Yet I still referred to my previous relationships as girls I’ve dated. One thing I’ve never done though: is take a girl, that I would not call my girlfriend at this current moment, and bring her out on a date. I’ve never done it. Also, I’ve never dressed up beyond normal street clothes for a date, unless you count wearing a tux and bringing a girl out to eat before prom. But that’s kind of expected. And now I, Kent Hartger, will be dressing up and taking a woman out on a date, and I hardly know anything about her. I almost feel I’m out of my mind. She’s 50% (in her mind, it' only 5% though, so as to not cause too much pressure) of the reason I’m driving 5-ish hours to stay in Illinois for the weekend. I even risked getting my hair cut before the Red Wings were finished with the playoffs! (but rest assured, I did not touch the beard). I’ll be able to shave my beard in time for this date though. So all this for one woman. You’d think that would be enough, right? Wrong. I waste way too much brain power on imagination and ingenuity. So much so that I’m figuring out (or in the process of figuring out soon) what there is to do in this city 5 hours away from my own, and I’m figuring out...(part omitted as to not give away suprise)... I still don’t know why I’m doing all this yet. I just know I am. I’m looking for answers, I guess. I don’t know what to though, just answers. I can think of so many scenarios in my head, as to what’s gonna happen, different things that will be said. But I also get the feeling that there’s gonna be something entirely different this time. I don’t know how much, or exactly what, but something seems so different. Guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

Me: This guy seems to be investing a lot in this date! This is awesome, but what if I fall short of his expectations? I'm sure he has high ones because he's going to this much trouble. For me, this is way too much pressure! What is he expecting from this date? To me, this is just a date, but to him it seems like this is the beginning of a "relationship." UH- NO!

Am I in the wrong here- feeling too much pressure? Should I expect more from dating, like what he's doing?

And I know I should explain this to him, but I'm waiting til our date.

Well, I'm Feeling Better!

2009-06-11T11:53:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I talked to Kent (that's my date's name) on the phone. I feel much better now. I got to hear the sarcastic tone instead of assuming it when I read txts. . . I like to connect with people voice to voice so I can hear their inflection. (That's why I hate txting.)

I'm feeling more comfortable, despite my awkwardness.

That's all for today. . .

With an emphasis on the latter. . . Quick! Name that Song!

2009-06-10T11:31:00.005-05:00

My college friends all know what I call guys- "Flavors of the week." This nickname was born out of my. . . short attention span. I have a tendency to like a guy for about a week, then I find a flaw in him, and move on the next. He's too confident, bordering on cocky. . .he's too outgoing. . . .he's too this. . .he's too that. This serves as a nice this prevention metod! It prevents me from trying!

And that's how I feel now. I don't what it is, just a flaw in me I guess. I know it seems perfectionist, and that myself couldn't pass my standards because everyone has flaws. But I'm thinking there must be more going on here! I'm too scared/insecure/whatever to date!

And yet, I have one on Saturday! Yeesh! (I'm freaking out a little!)

I told my wonderful, eldest sister, Becca, this and she calmed me down. (By the way, she has her own blog- Live, Laugh, Love- featuring her life as a mother of 3, and it's pretty darn cute if I so myself!) She said (loosely) that I won't get over this fear unless I try. Just rip the bandaid of quick.

Am I so scared because I'm not ready or because I have built up this picture in my head and I know no one will live up to it? I vote for the latter. . .

Really? Are you kidding me?

2009-06-09T11:53:00.002-05:00

Those were my responses quite frequently yesterday. I started my summer class yesterday morning and couldn't believe the amount of homework I had. While vigourously doing this, I kept asking the question, "Really?"

I had to stay up late (10:00pm!) to get all my work done, but in the meantime a friend (male) was txting me. A few txts later, he asked me out- a real date.

Really?

Not that I wasn't happy (I was) but a real date. . . to me? REALLY? Are you sure you don't mean the next girl in your phone book?
Of cousre this is my insecurity starting to flare up here, and I'm already thinking the worst, but I'm excited too, but nervous as well.

Well let's just chalk this up to the "Experiment" and try it! How bad could it be?
(It's this Friday, by the way.)

Sorry for the Hiatus

2009-06-08T05:39:00.006-05:00

This week has been crazy. Both my 1 month niece and my grandma, who is upwards of 80, have been in the hospital. As much as I didn't like it though, I didn't get very disturbed. (Which is just wrong and selfish. . .I'm working on that.) I'm not a very emotional person. . . normally.

Wednesday morning though, I lost my peripheral vision for 3 hours. The longer it went on, the more scared I got. (I got very emotional, which I hate to admit.) I didn't want to worry my parents, but thought they should know. I called them and immediately got an optomologist appointment. (Thankfully, the doctor thinks I only have ocular migraines. Did you know that migraines don't have to be head aches?)

There has been a lot of boy drama but I could care less. These past few days have been too crazy to worry about boys/dating!

I also started my one month intensive (hardest class I will ever have to take in my college career) class today. I already have to read 70 pages and write a 6 page paper for tomorrow. . .so I won't be writing as often during this month.

#8 What DOES God want in my dating life?

2009-06-01T06:06:00.002-05:00

You know that story. . .I heard it from my priest but you've probably heard it somewhere to.
It goes:
A town was going to be flooded, so all the residents decided to leave, except one. He knew that God would save him. A van drove by his house a offered him a ride out of town. "No thanks," said the man, "God will save me."
The water started rushing in and his house was halfway underwater. A boat came by and offered him a ride. "No thanks," said the man again. "God will save me."
His house was flooded and the only dry land was his roof. A helicopter flew by and offered him a ride. "No thanks," said the man. "God will save me." The flood kept coming and the man drowned.
When the man got to heaven he asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "I tried three times but you turned them down!"
I was told by a friend today to just trust God and His plan for my dating life. I wanted to ask, "What is God's plan? Maybe this is just an avenue God will use to implement His plan! Maybe it is just me doing a silly experiment." How will I know what is just human silliness or God's true way? I won't know until I can look back!

#6 My inner conflict about dat#ng

2009-05-31T09:20:00.000-05:00

***Disclaimer: I know my boss Johnny reads this and I want to say to him not to call this battle between Dana and I off. I just need to write out my feelings.***

(This post may read like I am just rambling, but in order to understand my conflict, my feelings must be explored. No matter how jumbled they appear, they are my opposing feelings.)

I'm conflicted about dating. This experiment was set up not for me to date, just simply observe other singles. I'm not looking for a spouse, nor do I need to be in a relationship to complete me. I am complete and I hate the immense pressure that Olivet puts on people of my age to get married/be in a committed relationship.

Yes, it would be nice to be in a relationship, but I do not need one to happily exist, unlike what Olivet and others would like you to believe.

The idea of me dating makes me insecure, hence, I know I'm not ready to date despite what you may believe. When I feel insecure, I get defensive, and I'm sorry for this post. I'm still battling certain feelings, including the fear of rejection and the feeling of imperfection and incompleteness.

I know that most people are battling these feelings and are still dating, and are successful. But I don't feel I could be. To find a healthy mate you have to be healthy.
But I'm trying right? I will never completely conquer this stuff, but I'm healthy because I'm trying. And I need the motivation. If I'm hesitant, I will be forever. I may never date!
I don't know anymore. I'm scared but I need this push. . . Do I? Can't I wait a little more?

1, 3 and 5, Oh My!

2009-05-29T09:45:00.002-05:00

I said that I would only post one a day. . . but these three are all interconnected (and short!)

#1: Nobody believes I can get a date
It was announced on the morning show that Dana and I will be battling: House V. Date. (Dana will find her house and I will find a date.) We had three calls in response to this, and they all said Dana will find her house first! That ain't right! Come on people! A little faith in me would be nice!! A few people commented on my facebook status about this (including the morning show hosts) encouraging me. I want to prove that I can do it, and beating Dana is just a bonus! (Just kidding Dana!)
Well I decided to show them. Last night I filled out a profile on cacheconnections.com. No more dawdling. . . I also recruited Jonny Rob (the afternoon and night producer) to help me out. He is brainstorming ideas with me and I think we're going to post flyers in the boys' dorms. That's a little extreme for me, but I need a date soon! Dana gave me the heads up that she might be putting in a bid on her house this weekend!!

#5 A date is just a date. Right?
With this competition between Dana and I, I am getting nervous. Her task of finding a house is so much bigger than me finding a date, right? This date that I will find is not supposed to be a relationship partner or even a spouse . . . it is JUST A DATE! Then why is this so hard? No commitment has been made, so if a date goes bad, I just don't have to go on a second one with them. Why am I feeling so conflicted over a measley date???? And why am I applying so much pressure to win? (Because it shouldn't be that hard. . .)
News flash: It is!!!

#3 What exactly is considered a date?
Rob really thinks that a guy paying for the time you spend together constitutes a date. I heartily disagree. I consider a REAL date as this:
1. No previous romantic relationship exists. The guy cannot call you up and say ask if you will be his girlfriend. That is the high school way of "dating."
2. A voice to voice contact must be made. A text message or an email asking you "to hang out" is not considered a date by a long shot, it is a mere "booty call."
3. It is preferred if the guy uses the term date, but not required. What is required is that the guy must ask the girl. Maybe just my old fashioned mind, but I like it.
4. The guy pays. It doesn't matter what activity, even renting a movie. . .
5. A declaration of intentions must be made. I want to know that this is not a friend thing, this is a date. Without this, someone ends up leading the other on. I just want all confusion cleared up. The guy doesn't have to say that he likes me, just that he is interested in getting to know me better.
I don't think this is too strict. (But then again I like to set exact boundaries so no one can ever meet them. . .) What do you think a date is? There is a lot of miscommunication about dating versus hanging out. . . what is the difference?

My next 8 topics

2009-05-28T09:39:00.003-05:00

My head is swimming with things to talk about.
1. How nobody believes that I can get a date
2. My insecurity about dating
3. What is a date?
4. Why I set up so many rules. . .
5. How a date is just a date and nothing more
6. My inner conflict about dating. . .
7. The reason why I can't date
8. What does God want in my dating life?

I already wrote three posts but decided I couldn't publish them.

I am excellent at surface talk. I pretend to be happy all the time. But sometimes I can be brutally honest. I know who I am, imperfections and all, and sometimes I get tired of pretending. The three posts I wrote this morning are brutally honest.

If you wanted surface talk, find another blog.

I'm only going to post one per day so here's the first one:

#4: Why I set so many rules

As you might have heard, I have several rules about dating (and the questionnaire I took on a dating website didn't help.) The guy cannot be this, this is a deal breaker, i am this way so the guy must be this way, etc. These are tools to prevent me from getting hurt.

The guys I like never like me. I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, old enough, Christian enough, or perfect enough for them. (And I know what you're thinking: Not true. . .If a guy doesn't want you, why do you want him?) Right? I know the standard responses.

Unfortunately, this is how I feel and some guys respond. Every single guy I liked, never reciprocated. So I settled for what I could get. It felt nice to be liked for once. However, I quickly learned that these never make for good relationships. And when I wasn't good enough for these few who liked me, I strove to be what they wanted, even if it wasn't me.

So I set up rules. These rules prevent me from ever acting on feelings. They keep me from being rejected. They keep me from experiencing anything.

When I read my rules to Johnny and Dana they both remarked on rule #2: a guy can not go for the "easy" kill. I'm not an easy one to capture and they have to be willing to work for me. Dana said, "So the guy can't have made a mistake?" Johnny said, "The guy can't have a past?"
I thought later, even I wouldn't pass my rules. I went for the easy guys because I didn't want to wait. I constantly go for the easy choice, rather than working for the good thing.

I know some rules/standards are good to have, but mine were ridiculous.

Dating means being vulnerable- something I'm not good at. But I'm going to try instead of being guarded all the time. I get tired of it.

Busted!!!

2009-05-26T07:08:00.002-05:00

This morning, I divulged a little too much information and let it slip that my FRIEND Matt and I hang out. We jokingly refer to them as "safe dates" and I let this slip. . .
Rob went nuts! "That's a date!" he exclaimed.
Yes, Matt pays but it is NOT A DATE!
Here's my reasons:
First and foremost: Matt is a seminarian! He is studying to become a Catholic priest!
Second: We have been friends since we were 5 and the only feelings we have for each other are purely friendly. He is like my big brother. I can talk with him about anything, including "other" guys.
Lastly: Nothing will (or has) ever happened. No feelings will ever (or have) existed. There is no declaration of romantic feelings or will there ever be. He has been there for me in the toughest times, and he is my friend.

And the only reason he pays is because I'm too cheap!

The Vote is in. . .

2009-05-24T08:53:00.002-05:00

The poll question (How should I date) is now closed. It was a tie between 1. Date and 4. Watch.
Frankly, I'm tired of watching. . . and I would date if I could find someone to date. . .

The runner up was 2. Read a book. That I'm doing. I'm reading the book by Drs. Bev and Tom Rodgers, "The Singlehood Phenomenon." Because it applies more to singles who have had more experience, only a few chapters are for me. The first chapter I read was "Reason #4 why people aren't getting married: Confusion about the Rules." In this chapter, Bev writes about the confusion between hanging out, supplemental soul-mates, and the difference between dating now and in the 1900s.

And this is really where courtship came to light. In the poll, no votes were for courtship, and I agree. Courtship is like arranged marriage- the parents have a say in who you marry, and every encounter with the opposite sex is an audition for marriage. I'm all in favor for my parents having a say in who I date/marry, but having them be the only vote is ridiculous. I trust my parents and my family implicitly, and I would go out with a guy they found for me. (In fact, my sister Beth has tried to set me up twice, and one crashed and burned and the other was a good match but didn't work out. I talked to him for like 2 weeks, went to his church, and then he told me he liked me but he liked another girl more. . . ouch.)

So I think I've watched my sisters enough, but I really haven't experienced the current dating scene enough. And to do this, I'm going to talk with other current Christian singles, and see what their experiences have been. (I can't make up years of being on the dating market in three months!)

And I really want to date. Just to see what it's like. Try it out. . . who knows!

Am I Ashamed?

2009-05-21T08:57:00.003-05:00

Today on the morning show we talked about songs that Johnny was ashamed to admit he liked. (For that blog and post, click here.)

It got me thinking, what am I ashamed of? Am I ashamed to admit that I never had a real date? Obviously not.

I was kinda ashamed to admit of my two high school boyfriends. I knew they weren't the right ones for me, but I was so desperate to have a boyfriend, I didn't care to who. I didn't have enough trust in myself or God's plan. Frankly, I didn't have enough trust in God.

Am I ashamed to be single? Not really, no. The other day Rob commented that his wife, Fretta, was married before she was my age. I know of plenty of women who are married at this age (21) and it really doesn't bother me. I'm happy that they have found the right guy, no matter what time in their life, this just hasn't happened to me yet. Though I wish it would. . .

I know from previous experience and observing others that we shouldn't rush things. Things (particularly marriage) will happen in God's time.

Now, am I ashamed to admit I like Barry Manilow? Absolutely not!! (I can bust into Copacabana at any time!)

And NOBODY should ever be ashamed of That Thing You Do! It's a great song!

My confession

2009-05-20T05:58:00.003-05:00

When I said I have never been on a "real" date, it is absolutely true due to my standards. I see a date exactly as Drs. Bev and Tom Rodgers define it: declaring your intentions. (A guy asking you out (in person) and paying.) I have hung out with male friends but they (or I) never declared our intentions. Hence, it was never a real date.

With that being said, I did have two high school "boyfriends." I really don't count them because we never went out and it was just two weeks in high school. (Seriously, if you saw how lame I was you wouldn't call it "dating" either.)

I guess I haven't been ready to date. I was too focused on myself to even consider focusing on someone else. I guess I noticed I wasn't ready because of watching my sisters. When they were ready to date, it was a good experience.

I watched the different love life styles of my three older sisters and took tips from their lives. My oldest sister, Becca, stood up for what she believed in, even if it meant not having a boyfriend. She now has the best husband (Rick) and three goregous girls. Waiting worked for her.
My second oldest, Marie, was always attached to a guy. Guys just seemed to flock to her and I was always jealous of her chirsma. She now has a great husband, Omer, and a sweet heart as a daughter.
My third sister, Beth, started dating her now husband-to-be in high school. She grew with him during college, and they have been dating for 6 years, and are getting married in August. Tom (the future husband) is beyond wonderful for her. Thankfully, I got to see the pros and cons of finding love at a young age.

Through observing them I learned what (and what not) to do. I think I am ready to be in a relationship, but I won't know until I'm there!

Deleted. . .

2009-05-18T20:21:00.004-05:00

Against the advice of the three I asked (my sister, Debbie from Watseka and Debbie from St. John, who I both met at the CacheConnections event on Saturday) I deleted my profile off of a dating website.
And listen to my reasoning:
1. I didn't want to pay the money. I'm a true cheapskate.
2. I learned enough from posting a picture to learn that this is a good tool, but not the only way
3. And most importantly, I felt extremely guilty. (I have a hard time saying "Sorry, you didn't win" to callers on the Shine line.) I had over 30 messages from guys I knew I would never contact, and even if they were from the same guy, that guy stuck out his neck to talk to me and I didn't have the decency to talk to him. (They didn't know I was just a cheapskate!)

(I feel guilty just writing this.)

The weekend events. . .

2009-05-17T21:04:00.004-05:00

This weekend was filled with relationship talk.
Friday I went to Cache Connections Live! (a Christian dating experience because it combines online dating and live events) concert with Anthony Evans. So that eased me into the Cache scene.
Saturday night I went to another one of their live events in Chesterton, IN. Drs. Bev and Tom Rodgers spoke about their book, The Singlehood Phenomenon. They talked about why singles are afraid of marriage. Whether it was an event in their past that created a "soul wound" or the miscommunication of dating, singles are not getting married. Hm. . .
It may be that singles are not getting married (I can a few that chose to remain single) because they chose that lifestyle, but the ones going to these single events WANT to be married. I hope that these people are not chasing the feeling and really want to commit. I know that when I get in a relationship, it will be because I want to commit. I guess that is where their term "intentional dating" comes in.
Intentional dating, as defined by the Drs. is dating because you intend to be in a relationship with them. You are still getting to know one another, but you clearly say, "Yes, I like you and I think this might work." Interesting. . .

Sunday afternoon was my sister's wedding shower, in which I am the Maid of Honor. She and her fiance, Tom, have been dating for almost 6 years, and I couldn't be happier for them. My sister wanted a receipe shower so my mom and dad created a receipe for marriage for them. (My parents have taught Pre Cana (the Catholic version of pre-marital counseling) for over 15 years. Instead of friendly dinner conversation, we would discuss the trials and tribulations of marriage!) I don't have the receipe with me (I'll post it next time. . .) but they had the normal stuff like respect, trust, honesty, laughter, spirituality, etc. What more does there need to be?

All I have heard this weekend is how to be in a good relationship, but not how to get one.

Next task: Find a date!
(I'm just really sick of standing by!)

Oh TurtleBoy. . .

2009-05-13T09:04:00.005-05:00

When I first started this experiment, I immediately put a free profile on a Christian dating website. Putting up a profile on this particular site is free, but corresponding with others is not. Not wanting to spend extra money right now, I chose not to pay for correspondence fee.

I will admit, every time I see a new message or another person who viewed me, I become happier about myself. Terrible, I know! (One of the seven deadly sins is pride!)

I now have three problems with this profile up:

1. I feel I need to respond to the people who messaged me. It's just polite! In a way, I feel like I'm leading them on by having this profile and not responding.

2. I found a site that I trust that does not recommend this particular dating website because it is owned by Mormons. (That is their reasoning. . .)

And my biggest problem. . . TurtleBoy. Most of the guys who have viewed my profile are. . . not in my age group. There are a few that fit my age range, but one guy in particular has caught my eye. His personality seems to fit and his picture makes me laugh every time I see it! (He's trying on a Dora hat!) He's not posing or trying to hard, he's just himself! He's viewed my profile and I want to know if he's messaged me, but this would take the money.

The picture:

What do I do? Take down my profile? Keep it for the "experiment"? Pay the extra money? Pay, answer all the messages and then take it down?

2009-05-12T06:37:00.003-05:00

This weekend was very humbling and surprising.

Friday night, I went out to our local coffee shop to hear the band Lucrezio play. (Awesome by the way!) A 35 year old man came over to talk to me, and he asked me if I was dating someone. I said I wasn't. I'm not "dating" anyone, I'm "dating" the idea of dating!

Saturaday morning, my roommates brother-in-law recognized my voice and he said, "hey, you're morning show producer Nicole!" Sweet! It was the first time anybody recognized me!

Sunday morning, as you all well know, was Mother's day. I come from a large family (Dad one of 6 and Mom one of 9) and holidays are filled with family parties. At my dad's side, I was ambushed about Christian dating/courtship. My relatives were very concerned that this "experiment" would result in a permanent mate and they all think 21 is too young to get settled down.

I clarified that I'm not looking to settle down, just test the waters for when I'm ready, and this experiment is really for Shine.fm listeners. I hope that through my expirience they gain a little more insight about the scene and some helpful tips. . .

The best laid plans. . .

2009-05-07T08:05:00.002-05:00

With all the Shine "publicity" I need to re-evaluate and carefully lay out a plan for this experiment.
First off, this is a test to see how bad the Christian dating scene is OUTSIDE of college. With all the pressure to find "Mr. Right" while we are still in college, I wonder if I will be doomed to be single forever if I can't find him here. I will date my college comrades (hopefully!), but I won't let those results skew this experiment.
Second, as Rob (the morning show Newsman) pointed out to me, dating is a participatory sport. I would like to report other people's successful dating stories or even do little spots on current Christian singles, but I realize that I will have to participate in this experiment also. (This is where the rules from my first post come in.)
Lastly, I am expecting some problems in the Christian dating scene, and I want to find the solutions and report them back to you.
Some of the problems I expect are:
-How to begin the dating process (the first poll answers this)
-Where should I go to find single guys? (As Dana said, most Christians (including me) don't want to go to a bar to find other Christian singles, so where should we go?
-The huge trust issues of dating websites
-Compatibility issues (such as differing religions- Can it work?)
-How much does God play a part in this? (Obviously a big one, but does He guide us to the right one? What if we don't listen? Is dating going against His will for us?)
-How much dating is too much?

I know there are several more problems, but these are just a few that I can think of.

After listing these I feel overwhelmed but grateful I don't have to do this on my own like so many others!

Oh the Morning Show. . .

2009-05-05T08:58:00.002-05:00

I was at work this morning and Johnny's computer shut down in the middle of make the run sheet (the plan of bits we are going to talk about during the show and the exact time.) This run sheet lets me know when to record the show accurately, what our update our morning show blog could be, and when bits can be used as replays and promos.

Because we didn't have this plan, I suggessted we could talk about my new "Experiment" in Christian dating. I had no idea they would be so aatagonistic! In all fairness, Johnny, Dana and Rob are great people and it is a funny topic, so the friendly teasing is most welcome!

Due to actually hearing how absurd this "experiment" is, I'm going to have to make a few tweaks! Let me be clear here- I do not plan to throw myself into dating, just the dating scene. Christian dating is possible but just how improbable is it after college?

Welcome to Me!

2009-05-03T08:58:00.001-05:00

Hi! My name is Nicole and I have never been on a real date. (Sounds like a self help meeting, right?)

Well, I am the Morning Show Producer at Shine.FM and we have had several complaints about Christian dating, and the lack thereof. So, being the only single one on the morning show, I decided that this issue of "Christian Dating" should be addressed by me!

Granted, I am still in a Christian college (Olivet Nazarene University) where there are fistfuls of Christian single males. The immense pressure to be in a relationship has turned me off to having one, though.

Enter this, the Christian Dating Experiment. Dating outside a Christian college is difficult, and I want to see what life is like for Christian singles. All summer I will run the Christian Dating Experiment, and post my findings.

In order for this to be a valid experiment, I will need to set some rules and personal boundaries. One, I will not date anyone I meet through school. If I did, it would skew the results because it is improbable for you.
Two, I will date anyone within reason: Christian, non-Christian, a few years older, younger, basially anyone who will not murder/stalk me.
Three, I will emerge myself in Christian Dating. That means Christian Dating websites, events, etc. Since I know very little that is out there, please give me hints!
Four, because this is CHRISTIAN dating, I will read the Bible, devotionals, and other spiritual books daily. I believe that this is vital for any Christian.

If anyone has tips, hints, advice, etc. please tell me!

Let the Christian Dating Experiment begin!