Busy Busy. . .

(I just wrote an awesome post and the computer deleted it. My luck these days.)

So I think I took on too much this semester. I take senior classes, work 20 hours, am secretary for the film club, member of our honor soceity, writer of two articles for the newspaper and leader of the campus station. I need to drop something, but I don't know what. Everything will be good for the future. . .

Anyway, I gotta get back to homework.

PS- no boys this year. Too busy. maybe next summer.

A big thing happened last night.

I went to a party- Olivet style.

Now this may seem routine for a college student, but being surrounded by people is not fun for me. I retreat. I am a wallflower.

I try to get over this, and be around people, but its not working. Everyone seemed to have such a good time, dancing, jumping, rapping. . . even crowd surfing. . . and the floor visibly shook! (The aptartment downstairs saw their ceiling moving. . .)
With all this fun, I clung to the wall hoping not to be noticed (but secretly wanting to be dancing as well.)

Years ago, I would have danced, not caring who was watching. but not now. I'm too self-consconsious and just feel awkward. (After 20 minutes I tried to leave but my friend persuade me to stay for another 15 minutes.)

35 minutes. . . that's all I could handle. . .

(I'm sad now. I wish I could have done better.)

Romantic Porn. . .

I full heart-edly(?) believe that Twilight and other romance sagas are porn for women. They create unrealistic expectations that men (and women) can never live up to.

Perhaps this is too strong, and I don't like to broadcast these feelings among my peers because of the movie's popularity. Many of my friends don't see anything wrong with Twilight and other such romance things. I don't want to condemn them.

I didn't feel like watching Twilight. It held no appeal to me when it came out. At a dorm party last year, my RA put it on and all the girls watched it, including me. After seeing it, I felt awful- guilty, incomplete, desperate longing for a guy, unacceptable the way I am. I don't know if every girl feels this way, but I did. Since then, I have refused to watch anymore and fall into the hype.

It seems like I can't escape this. My former and current roommates are obsessed with it, I mean magnets and everything. I have to give a speech at the end of the semester, including the topic of veracity. After trying to think of everything else, I kept coming back to "The Lies of Romance" but I'm afraid if I deliver a speech on the evils of "romantic porn" I might offend a lot of girls, including my roommates.

I feel strongly on this "romantic porn" topic but I'm afraid to speak up.

Thoughts?

Belonging/Longing

Well, classes and stuff are going to be hard, but I think the year will be okay. The most daunting fact is that I'm a second semester junior. This is my fourth year, so I think of it as my senior year. Technically I only have enough credits to be a junior.

I plan to study abroad next semester, so I won't get the senior semester. . . I'll miss out on Senior pictures, senior Ollies Follies, senior stuff. . .

What I'm trying to say is that I feel that I don't belong with the Juniors and I don't belong eith the Seniors.

I realize I'm more suspectable to this feeling because I'm single. Olivet is such a marriage place, that I feel lost and alone because I'm single. No college student should feel this way! I realize how "sillly" (i.e. stupid) it is to feel this way because I'm only 21! I hate feeling this way! But this is how Olivet trains you to think- that if you're alone, something must be wrong with you.

Countless activities, chapels, picnic, counselling, are aimed at marriage! These people are shoving marriage down your throat and YOU feel like the loser!

And nothing reinforces that like being a senior. The tradition is called, "ring before spring." I would venture to say that half of the senior class is married or engaged by graduation.

Maybe I should be glad that I'm not a senior! (Technically . . .)

This isn't a dating experiment anymore, it's just a blog on my life. If dating and other "love" issues arise, so be it.

Let me give you a run down on the past 3 days:
-Roommates moved in. Not happy.
-Old friends came back. Happy.
-Other students are more successful than me. Jealous.
-I'm good where I am at. (Good job, good classes, good life.) Content.
-Burned myself with coffee this morning. Hurt.
-Constantly comparing myself with others. Insecure.
-and I think I just talked to Bryan's (an ex-interest) fiance. Mucho insecure.

And now that students are back on campus, I'm surrounded by couples. Yesterday my friends and I had a joking talk about the benefits of being married. (I can't get away from the subject. Not here and not at this age.) I just wish I was more secure about who I am.

Joy/Happiness

I'm living by myself (without a T.V.) because my other 3 roommates haven't moved in yet. I also have a lot of free time. For the past 2 years I have been seeking joy, not happiness. (Joy is a permanent state of mind where as happiness is momentary.) Having all this extra time and nothing to do, I went back to my pursuit.

I discovered that after my vacation, when I began living alone, that I was so unhappy I was reverting back to seeeking happiness. I bought too many things, watched too many movies, anything to bring me that happiness. But like all happiness, it is only momentary.

I discovered this two days ago, and since then, I have rededicated myself to this pursuit of joy. I have started reading "Captivating" by Stasi Eldredge. The morning show just talked to Rob Bell this moning, so I want to start reading his stuff again. (I couldn't get past the first chapter of "Velvet Elvis." It isn't too radical, I just found it boring.)

And, of course, the Bible is always helpful. The morning after I started searching for joy again, Dana (from the morning show) brought joy up in the devotional. She quoted Nehamiah 8:10, "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." I don't think that it was a coincidence. . .

I'm Back!

Sweet! I'm back! And I've got stories!

1. I can never spell "experiment" correctly, so it took me a few tries to get to the blog!

2. My sister's wedding on Sunday. I realized that I'm mostly secluded in life. I hardly talked to people and sat by my oldest sister for most of the reception. No dancing took place on my part, even though I really enjoy it.

3. At my sister's reception, my Aunt Mary said the nicest thing to me. She said, "We are so excited to see who you end up with. All your sisters have married such great guys, we are just excited for you."

4. An ex-interest called me after 2 years of not talking. We didn't date but I really liked him, and we talked almost everyday for a month or so. He ended it after saying, "I really like you, but there's another girl I like too." No way am I competing for a guy's affection! Anyway, he's engaged to that girl and was calling to apologize for "leading me on." Weird it was.

5. I have come up with a theory- the last two guys that had interest in me are now engaged (to the next girl they went out with.) I think I'm good luck. . .